The Champagne Soapbox

In the most recent episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were presented with a main stage challenge of holding a panel discussion about men. I sort of found it robust, people (mostly male identifying people) dressed in a feminine illusion discussing toxic masculinity.

The Gloria’s explain that racism and sexism are intertwined and both issues can’t be uprooted without the healing of the other. They’re engrained between the black and white lines we base our legislative proceedings on, highlighted in the new contracts from employers that make inclusivity a priority, and are rehearsed by politicians trying to snag the minority votes that distinguish the general population from white men. In regard to the relationship of toxic masculinity and empowered femininity, black women are more easy aware of bullshit in one form, and are able to identify it again in a different experience or event. Gay men and Trans women are more easily aware of bullshit in one form, and are able to identify it again in a different context. The issue is the bullshit, not the people experiencing it or speaking on it, unless it is socially determined that you have and will never experience such a thing because your birth rite contributes to the bullshit. It’s just the facts.

According to a Google search, “The woman performs the role of wife, partner, organizer, administrator, director, re-creator, disburser, economist, mother, disciplinarian, teacher, health officer, artist and queen in the family at the same time. Apart from it, women play a key role in the socio-economic development of the society.” I mean, this literally took one second and my first question is why are women defined by Google, the other gender, and the state government, by their fertility? Before being an administrator, artist, or economist, you’re telling me that my purpose is to be a mother, wife, and partner first? In this context, women aren’t even considered to be creators but instead re-creators of (let me guess) male creations? If we’re stemming our purpose based on reproductivity, wouldn’t women be considered the hosts of the most valuable creation? This is an overwritten argument that requires more attention. I’ve allowed the space here for it, because the current state legislature ran out of it.

Jules in a conversation with her therapist explains that she wants to get off her hormones because of the intensified gaze between both (and other) sexes. The men stare longer, and the women stare deeper, wanting to study the parts of her that make her more qualified to distract the male gaze from themselves. I like this plotline in Euphoria, because women are often held against each other like pageant contestants for male judges to look at and competitors to compare themselves to. Cassie manipulates this gaze that Jules speaks of by stealing her best friend’s appearance to win Nate’s affection more, when Maddy was the only one who understood his attraction to her to be rooted in trauma-induced narcissism and masculine dominance. Maddy also understands Cassie’s trauma-induced insecurity and need to use feminine submission to receive validation. He doesn’t like Cassie because of how easy the chase was, but he likes Cassie because the psychotic spiral to replicate femininity in a way that he historically supported boosts his ego. She doesn’t like Nate because of how hard he was to get- that would make his abusive language and behavior a reward- but because she correlates his attraction as validation. Pageant Princess Maddy understands the gazes- the one that comes from both spectrums.

I am a woman, and I don’t often think about my position until it’s questioned or manipulated. I would love to share all of the bullshit I have heard trying to pave my way through work opportunities independently, yet I fear retribution this very day for it. Phrases that are etched into my brain, such as “Women don’t know how to ask for raises” (gaslighting) and “This job is homework for marrying a man in the same profession” (narcissism) are simply examples of said bullshit. I thought, since I live in Austin, it wouldn’t be as black and white as back home where men wear blue collars and women have done their homework to stay at home with the kids. Instead, it is behind a computer screen through Teams calls, or worse, in his new house on Lake Travis sipping wine and getting a tour of his racecar garage. Sexism in the workplace is very real and valid, and I shouldn’t have to dump my face in ice water to feel confident enough to speak up for myself during meetings where I have to defend my value.

This may be controversial, but I think back to my psychology classes when discussing minorities. I’m in a unique position of experiencing high privilege being white and high disrespect being woman, and I often don’t know the routes to overcome conversations that require me to announce my obvious identities to avoid any assumed biases that my accent may carry. At necessary times, my womanhood was strung as a complementary adjective. At the worst times, I treated my femininity as such.

I’ve always been a complex paradigm of hyper-feminine and tomboy. Practicing winged liner as if the post-pubescent boys on the field may notice it instead of my thigh-cutting varsity cheerleading mini skirt. Wearing a real bra during practices so no one would notice my obvious developmental delay in growth (I’m still waiting). Purchasing a longboard and sometimes riding it home from school in checkered vans and big t-shirts. Talking to dudes about UFC and how I was raised falling asleep to fight nights at my dad’s friend’s house and Bruce Buffer’s voice. Being cool enough for the guys to be a friend and taking care of myself enough – catching them off guard sometimes – so that foundational chemistry may turn me into some dream girl who straddles many images. Look I washed and folded your clothes! Yeah, I don’t mind hanging with your friends tonight… they like me right? Look at me, I put makeup on today! My favorite beer is Michelob or Dos Equis. This is the male gaze Jules talks about, it’s the behavior Cassie portrays, and it was the male-aligned femininity confused my identity as an empowered woman.

An unevolved woman finds value through male validation. An unevolved woman finds value through female validation. What’s really sexy and attractive is being your own validation. Picking out clothes that remind you of yourself. Allowing your coworkers to see the person behind the corporate signature. Being an ally to others and yourself. Being nurturing, but being understanding that it’s not your position to be a mother to others. Buying flowers, wearing denim, being strong, and speaking up even if your face is dripping wet from ice water. Looking people in their eyes when they’re telling you a story you connect with. Doing things … while you’re bleeding! Writing notes to yourself and romanticizing your masculine handwriting. Seeing the paycheck come in and realizing that women (specifically, this one) knows how to ask for raises. Not marrying a lawyer just because you did your homework, or becoming the lawyer, or not marrying at all. Not hanging out with people you’re uncomfortable with. Drinking beer because you like beer and also tequila and white wine. All that matters is that my clothes are cleaned, my bills are paid, my cat is cared for, and my goals are being met without the validation from other genders. Owning your womanhood is the most validating thing you can do for yourself, and I think the women are catching onto this. Let’s see how long it takes the men.

I feel more supported by the women in my life now rather compared to when we were lining up on the football field fighting for a look from number whatever, eagerly arriving to dance practice early to see what role you may have landed in the winter recital, or in between competitive conversations with orientation friends who came to college with titles hanging from their Kendra Scott earrings. Not that those were necessarily bad experiences, but we have to understand that sexism and toxic femininity are institutionalized. When we become cognitively aware of social cues in our development, we are subject to following the status quo. What they don’t tell you is that it is equally as dangerous to our development when we become cognitively unaware to disrespect.