The Champagne Soapbox

I only want to leave when I’m comfortable. What does that say about me? I get in my bed and imagine my life better overseas. I leave my peace in a room with two queens thinking that my bed is a better place to sleep.

I found familiarity in a stranger today. I wondered if the area was safe and she interrupted my thought to say that this was her favorite place. They have one back in Austin, but I guess I wanted to see what the difference would be. The difference is a girl who doesn’t know me yet looks like someone I might have seen. I bet she wore ribbons in her hair. I wear them still. Maybe that’s the thing that ties us together.

I met a few more people today. I rode in a car with a stranger and turned out okay. I find that I’ll find my way when I push myself to resolve future problems today. Get that thinking shit out of the way so I can stare blankly and not be filled with constant dismay. I stood outside of a Walgreens and this guy told me he liked my headphones and if I was gay. He didn’t say that exactly, but I knew if I laughed too hard or smiled too big he could either take me or make my day. He skated off, (of course he did) and my ride arrived asking for my name.

He looked back at me. I only know because I was waiting to see if he was looking at me like a feen. Dirty boys are kind of like my nicotine. Dirty like slept in sheets or stomping cigarettes out on the street. Fingerprints left on an almost empty cologne bottle and hugs that feel like a stolen heartbeat. We can share clothes and toothbrushes and stare at the same screen. Feel the same depressions and raise each other up like a late sunrise in the spring. Just a little fling, make myself a bit dirty until I think it’s time I get clean.

What does that say about me?

I like the way clothes feel on me when I’m clean. Swimming in bubbles, my namesake. It’s like no one has seen me naked and my car muffles the sound of my scream. It’s like no one has seen me at my worst and I’m worthy of bigger dreams. I’ll scape my skin dry and slather myself in anti-aging cream.

I want things so opposite of me.

I just hope that we can all get along. I look over my shoulder cause I hear her singing my favorite song. Scream at the same sun asking some god if he has a place for my mom. If god was a girl, she would remind me of where I came from. It’s not like I forget anyway. It follows me like a shadow, because I only notice it when the sun is too bright and I turn around.

Just because I can, I buy a teddy bear and say it’s to socialize my katze. I only know a single Germans phrase, and I repeat it over when I get really tipsy. I’ve only been to Germany once. I never left, and now I only listen to hard techno when I get a little boozy. My mind goes crazy when my body is lazy. Easy rhyme, falls off the tongue reasonably like clothes to a sleazy. I forget that my mind and body are a single entity responding through millions of filled or occupied capacities.

Nothing bad is going to happen to me. It’s all in good time. Something bad is going to happen to me, but it’ll end up fine. One day, I’ll respect my time. I get scared when I realize everything is safe. I’m in a perfectly fine place, most of the time. When I rest my head, I think about how privileged I am to be paranoid about losing my peace when the only thing that leaves me is time and that guy who wanted to look at me twice – one first and last for the last time.